SHE WEEPS

Grief is powerful.  It is so totally encompassing that it forces out everything except itself and takes control of all that is in us.  It comes suddenly - unexpected - without much warning.  It stays like an unwelcome house guest leaving only when it has thoroughly washed itself through us.  Sometimes grief is like the tide, coming in so deep and so far that we feel its weight and wonder if it will relent before our soul is drowned from its inconsolable pain.  Other times, grief is like the wind, constantly and poignantly making us minute by minute aware of its presence - showing us the loss again and again.  I was talking to my sister tonight about something in my life that has been tormenting my spirit causing me to not be able to stop sobbing.  How tired I was, I told her, of it taking me again and again.  She listened to my words and even as I shared them I broke down in sobs on the phone.  With gentleness of spirit she said, "Lynn, that is grief you are experiencing.  You cannot will yourself to not feel it, to not let it take you to a place you don't want to go.  You have to let it have its way, its time.  You cannot tell yourself if I do this or that it will abate.  Your loss is inconceivably great and so is your grief great in volume to match it.  There is no timetable for grief either, just be in it for as long as you need to be."  I wanted it to leave as I am exhausted from its presence.  I wanted it to relent or rest or release me from its grip.  What I really wanted was my loss back.