AN ODE TO TP

There are certain things that everyone on the planet does.  Wiping our butts is in the universal behavior category.  It's a private sort of thing, and yet common and base all at the same time.  Unless you are a junior high kid, someone over the age of 80 or Amish (they are mesmerized with talking about their bowels!) this subject matter is not a regular part of your world.  Just this morning in the bathroom while my husband was taking a shower he said, "Honey, I love that you and I respect each other's privacy when the bathroom door is shut."  We are literally open and free and constantly together, but that is the one arena we wall off.  Personally there is absolutely nothing sexy about seeing your mate on the toilet even though it is a common experience for all of humanity. How about going to the bathroom on an airplane?  Who loves to walk down the aisle toward the only thing that you would be walking to on a plane, as everyone in their head goes, "they are going to the bathroom:)"!  Then when you get there you usually have to wait outside the door that says OCCUPIED, further declaring to everyone that your digestive track needs to release itself.  Who loves to go the bathroom on a plane when the only thing between you and others is a very thin aluminum door:(   Someone said to me recently (my son in law I think), that he hates to spend money on stuff that disappears - groceries.  Toilet paper is one of those disappearing items.  In my house, it disappears a great deal.  It's amazing how much toilet paper 2 people who have some digestive issues can go through!!  Toilet paper is funny really.  What a great innovation!   Who discovered that!!  Now I would venture to say that 2 ply toilet paper is a much great invention than the 1 ply stuff.  You know the kind I am referring to you - used in Target, Walmart, Lowes, public restrooms across America.  How do they think they are saving money when you end up having to use 2 times the amount just to keep a safe barrier between your hand and what you are wiping!!  My ex-mother-in-law used one ply Scotts that came individually wrapped.  I felt it was really more like fine sandpaper on a cardboard roll than toilet paper.  I don't know if she bought it by the case like businesses do from Staples or what!  I buy double rolls, 12 at time, double-ply only.  Usually when I get down to 3 or 4 rolls I buy more as you can never know (trust me it is a regular part of my life) when diarrhea will abound!  My grandmother was a stocker of all things.  Toilet paper being one of them.  She had package after package of toilet paper in her house.  She was a bit of a disorganized messy.  When we cleaned out her house for the auction after her death, we found so much toilet paper it was actually a source of laughter.  None of it was together either.  She did have a bit of Alzheimer's which would help explain quantity - she would forget she bought it, and having it in all different places-she couldn't remember where she had put it so she bought more!  My mom keeps a fair share of toilet paper in her house.  Usually two to three 12 packs.  The need to keep huge amounts of toilet paper in my house skipped my generation and went straight to my daughter.  She freely admits, along with her husband teasing her relentlessly, that she feels vulnerable without several 12 packs in the house unopened!  I am laughing as I am typing this thinking about an episode of the show Hoarders" I saw once.  This woman had a fetish about stocking up on bathroom products.  So much so that one of her bathrooms, bathtub included, could not be used as it was stacked floor to ceiling with toilet paper, kleenex, shampoo, etc.  I once knew a family that rationed the amount of toilet paper members of their family could use.  The rule went something akin to this; pee=2 squares, poop=4 squares.  They obviously didn't have digestive problems:)